Anyway, I don’t want to brag but this year I really stunned myself with what I am capable of. My life has improved 100% ever since I started being selfish. I’d always thought of ‘selfish’ as a dirty word, but during the months I was attempting to rationalize my abortion, I found myself thinking, “so, I am selfish. Is that such a bad thing?” Especially when all it really means is that I take care of myself before I try to take care of anyone else.
I never really honed the habit of taking care of myself, I think, because of the strength of my support system. Although that is a bullshit excuse, it freed me up to tend to other people instead of taking care of myself. However, we cannot expect daddy and mummy to look out for us forever, so now I am trying to shift the focus back to ME ME ME and tend to my own needs before anything else. This new desire to take care of myself is a significant turning point because prior to this, I’d never made a conscious effort to do so.
After having the abortion I took a long hard look at myself and realized I was broken. This revelation annoyed and frustrated me at first. To clarify: having an abortion did not break me. It just slowed me down and brought to my attention that I was putting myself in painful situations repeatedly. Broken people hurt themselves and sometimes use other people to do it. Are you broken?
It’s one thing to know how low you are, but another to climb out from it. For a long time, I did not know what to do with my brokenness. I visited a handful of psychics and spiritual guides because, duh. I wanted to find out if I would be broke’d forever and what I’d name my sons I’ve yet to conceive. I wanted to see my past life and try to make sense of today. I wanted to see into my future and get some measure of control over my destiny. I had to commune with the other side. What is it like over there? Is it sunny or is it cold?
It took me some time to understand that broken people still thrive and love and feel joy and do many splendid things. In fact, almost everyone is broken in one way or another. It’s perfectly ok to be weak, to be fragile, to surrender. And the moment I accepted this, I started protecting and caring for myself the way one would protect and care for a broken thing. And eventually I didn’t feel quite as terrible anymore.
Today, I am conscious of who I am as a person and aware of what my needs are, and just as importantly, what they aren’t. This knowledge empowers me to defend who I am and preserve what I need. It also means that I potentially have the power to hurt – kill, even – but that is an unintentional part of the process of becoming me, becoming whole.
When you are selfish, you give yourself the opportunity to grow. It is healthy to be selfish, it is magical to align your mind, body, and soul. To decide for yourself that you want to spend the day exploring nature, napping all afternoon, or partying till dawn. When you do something that you truly want to do – free of distractions, fears, inhibitions, regrets – you allow yourself to be fed and to grow.
It is essential to recognize from the outset that traumas and misfortunes are, most fundamentally horrible, tragic, grievous; they are not to be hankered after. The point is not to welcome disasters; they do not create wonders, but they are one avenue through which gifts arrive. I am never thankful for the heartache, but always thankful for the opportunity to build a paradise in hell. Not only do I feel more accountable and responsible for my own feelings and actions, but it is such a liberation knowing that nobody can make me feel or do anything I do not wish to. As we all know, it takes a certain darkness to see the stars. So if/when you find yourself in some darkness, remember to keep your eye on the stars.
