The Intense Person

Whenever I would get dumped in the past, my girlfriends would console me by telling me that I am a “very intense person” who can sometimes be “too much for other people.” Although these words always came from a place of love, I would take it to mean that there was something wrong with me, that it was my own damn fault that I was cut loose. Was I too much? Was I not good enough?

Unfortunately, what I inferred was that if I wanted my heart to stop breaking over and over again, I had to stop caring so much, stop being so incredibly invested in everything. I needed to pretend to be more sophisticated and world-weary than I actually was. Because that’s how I was going to get over it, rise above it, become unconcerned and unaffected by it.

I tried this pose for some time, but it was too much work trying to appear detached and apathetic. And what’s the fucking point of it, really? What’s the point of imitating a rock? Of suppressing my most human impulses and desires to turn into a slab of ham? I ached for a wilder, more colourful life. So instead of trying to hide how deeply I cared, I tried to be open about it.

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I have been in a wonderful relationship these last couple of months. He is warm and funny and has shown me the joy of being completely open and vulnerable to another human being, and that it is precious to be someone with a boundless ability to care, to love, to feel, to create. And yet, it is hard.

There are moments I want to rip open my chest and hand him my heart. And then there are moments I am overcome by the urge to crush his skull against a wall. People tell me that this is normal, that it’s the ones dearest to us that show us our demons because they are able to press just the right buttons and bring to surface our unresolved issues. Love is a grand magnifier and the right relationship will encourage us to address our fears and insecurities head on and work on them.

In our earlier days together, whenever it felt as though the world was spinning off its axis, I would freak out and completely shut down. These days, I try to stay vulnerable to what’s happening because what I’m realizing is that whenever I feel like crushing his head against the wall, that’s me protecting myself from feeling how deeply I care about and depend on him. That’s just me realizing I’m way more invested than what I am usually comfortable with. Essentially, that’s me wanting to bash my own head against the wall, for exposing the tenderest parts of my soul and trusting someone enough that I could be destroyed by it.

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When we are young, it’s difficult to understand that caring too much is not a weakness, but a form of power. Sure, it means that sometimes we make mountains out of molehills. But it also means that we can feel big feelings, create works of art from thin air, and milk sublime moments out of the void. It is not a weakness, as much as it is not a problem, as long as we don’t turn it into a problem for other people.

We are all works-in-progress. After 24 trips around the sun, I finally recognize the merits of self-compassion but haven’t yet figured out how to be kind to myself on a day-to-day basis. As a start, I have banned myself from asking people, “Am I too much? Am I not good enough?” Over the years I have learnt not to present my anxiety and overactive brain as obvious liabilities. Even I am not allowed to ask myself such questions because I am only hurting myself when I do. As long as I was questioning my value, I was never going to be able to see the gifts that go along with being a very intense, anxious, emotional person.

Instead of asking questions, I decided to make statements. I tell myself that I am good and worthy. Even on my worst days, I am still good and worthy. I say it out loud, which I know sounds dorky. But dorkiness is emancipation.

People will love you, but no one will save you. Because nobody can save you from yourself. You have to save yourself. You have to decide that you are enough. You have to decide that sometimes you have more inside of yourself than you know what to do with. Seeking reassurance and approval is like begging for a fix. Don’t make it a habit. It’s lazy. It treats the symptoms but not the cause. Instead, learn to address and soothe feelings of self-doubt and distress on your own. Stop fighting yourself, day in and day out. It’s time to enjoy the way you are right now.

The Stars

I have been trying to figure out what I want to say about the year and it bothers me that I’m having such a difficult time just sitting down to write a little something something. Didn’t I use to write ten posts a day about my personal life for, like, two years? WHERE IS THAT PERSON??

Anyway, I don’t want to brag but this year I really stunned myself with what I am capable of. My life has improved 100% ever since I started being selfish. I’d always thought of ‘selfish’ as a dirty word, but during the months I was attempting to rationalize my abortion, I found myself thinking, “so, I am selfish. Is that such a bad thing?” Especially when all it really means is that I take care of myself before I try to take care of anyone else.

I never really honed the habit of taking care of myself, I think, because of the strength of my support system. Although that is a bullshit excuse, it freed me up to tend to other people instead of taking care of myself. However, we cannot expect daddy and mummy to look out for us forever, so now I am trying to shift the focus back to ME ME ME and tend to my own needs before anything else. This new desire to take care of myself is a significant turning point because prior to this, I’d never made a conscious effort to do so.

After having the abortion I took a long hard look at myself and realized I was broken. This revelation annoyed and frustrated me at first. To clarify: having an abortion did not break me. It just slowed me down and brought to my attention that I was putting myself in painful situations repeatedly. Broken people hurt themselves and sometimes use other people to do it. Are you broken?

It’s one thing to know how low you are, but another to climb out from it. For a long time, I did not know what to do with my brokenness. I visited a handful of psychics and spiritual guides because, duh. I wanted to find out if I would be broke’d forever and what I’d name my sons I’ve yet to conceive. I wanted to see my past life and try to make sense of today. I wanted to see into my future and get some measure of control over my destiny. I had to commune with the other side. What is it like over there? Is it sunny or is it cold?

It took me some time to understand that broken people still thrive and love and feel joy and do many splendid things. In fact, almost everyone is broken in one way or another. It’s perfectly ok to be weak, to be fragile, to surrender. And the moment I accepted this, I started protecting and caring for myself the way one would protect and care for a broken thing. And eventually I didn’t feel quite as terrible anymore.

Today, I am conscious of who I am as a person and aware of what my needs are, and just as importantly, what they aren’t. This knowledge empowers me to defend who I am and preserve what I need. It also means that I potentially have the power to hurt – kill, even – but that is an unintentional part of the process of becoming me, becoming whole.

When you are selfish, you give yourself the opportunity to grow. It is healthy to be selfish, it is magical to align your mind, body, and soul. To decide for yourself that you want to spend the day exploring nature, napping all afternoon, or partying till dawn. When you do something that you truly want to do – free of distractions, fears, inhibitions, regrets – you allow yourself to be fed and to grow.

It is essential to recognize from the outset that traumas and misfortunes are, most fundamentally horrible, tragic, grievous; they are not to be hankered after. The point is not to welcome disasters; they do not create wonders, but they are one avenue through which gifts arrive. I am never thankful for the heartache, but always thankful for the opportunity to build a paradise in hell. Not only do I feel more accountable and responsible for my own feelings and actions, but it is such a liberation knowing that nobody can make me feel or do anything I do not wish to. As we all know, it takes a certain darkness to see the stars. So if/when you find yourself in some darkness, remember to keep your eye on the stars.