Azelia Banks dropped a lot of wild truth in her interview with Playboy magazine last year, which I felt deeply resonated with me. “I love older men. The things in an older man’s house are better – his furniture, even his knives and his pots. And they smell better. Young guys, they may skip a shower and shit like that.” Amen to that. Aside from their high-end kitchenware (be still my heart) and mastery of daily showers (and maybe a deep-seated desire to "live in sin" and piss my parents off), it’s hard to explain my fascination with older men.
I have nothing against guys my age, but my interactions with them over the years have led me to conclude that a lot of them, maturity-wise, are about 11 years old. Most of them still play with action figures when nobody’s looking and spend their time jacking off to images of Heidi Montag. Needless to say, falling in love with the average 23-year-old male is like falling in love with a really sophisticated mandrill – except less exhilarating. And more demeaning. And less fun. And more offensive. And less enlightening. And more repugnant. You get the idea.
Nobody really needs to be told about the allure and fun going out with a significantly older person entails, so I’m just going to jump right into the not-so-fun-stuff a.k.a. the realities that we sometimes blatantly ignore cuz GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN(DS). Amirite?
When I first started involving myself with older men, I was all “age ain’t nothin’ but a number.” But that’s actually not the case, and the fact that I believe this now but rolled my eyes back then proves my point exactly. Hindsight is 20/20.
Whenever I used to plot sticking my tongue into an older person’s mouth, I was inevitably tempted to rationalize the stretch of time between our births by citing the “magic seven” rule, where it’s stated that subtracting seven from my age and then doubling it would give me the socially-acceptable maximum age of anyone I wanted to date. So for the 23-year-old that I was, the upper age limit was 32 (i.e., [23-7] x 2). The other side of the rule defines the minimum age boundary: divide your age by two and then add seven.
But every so often, even after doing the math, I found myself hanging out with a 39-year-old on some weekends because, like pollution, true love knows no boundaries. Also, there’s something incredibly satisfying about responding to your feelings, flipping the bird at societal norms, and letting your inner freak flag fly. In such instances I tried to justify the situation thusly: “Well, my aunt and uncle (or whoever) are sixteen years apart and they’re doing swell, so LET’S GET THIS THANG GOIN’.”
Everyone knows a happy grown-up couple with a significant number of years between them, and even if you don’t, you can always Google George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin and let them be your inspiration. But here’s the catch: They are all adults, in which case, how old they are in relation to their partner matters much less. Time seems to behave in a more bizarre way when we’re younger because everything changes so quickly, and for a young person who hasn’t yet figured out his or her place in this world, every year is a pivotal one.
Anyway, here are some musings I’ve had after charging ahead heedlessly into some May-December romances, that I wish I’d bothered to think through a little more because older men can be complicado.
1.
Love and sex are still the absolute jam whatever your age is, but what I’ve found is that the hot mystery of figuring out how to do them is mostly gone for the older person who has been there and done that a million times over.
It’s nice to be around people who seem to have it all figured out, who are assured of themselves and their interests – a quality that usually increases the longer we hang out on planet Earth – because it’s like finding a cheat sheet to life. But what’s just as nice and actually much more fun is sharing the novelty of things – in bed and in life – with someone who is also just learning about them.
It’s cool to be turning to the person you’re boning for wisdom. But you can also learn stuff from your parents, grandparents, siblings, bosses, the internet, your dog, the bible, your best friend’s mum, and anyone and anywhere else, really.
2.
Having a significantly older partner can severely limit the activities you’re able to enjoy together. Chances are you won’t be able to hang out with each other’s friends without everyone feeling a little awkward, or kiss in public without attracting a handful of side-eyes and potentially the attention of authorities. Also, his head will probably roll if you tried to bring him home to meet your family and I’m quite sure he won’t be appreciative of tequila shots on a Wednesday night.
Basically, the only thing I did regularly with my significantly older partner was watch films in his apartment. And that one weekend we flew to a neighbouring city on impulse. Sounds really spontaneous and romantic, right? UH, NO. Not to be a wet blanket, but flying solo with an older guy who is unbeknown to most of your family and friends is how a lot of murder stories begin. Please be smarter than I was about this very basic tenet of common sense, because everyone loves you just the way you are: alive.
3.
The biggest question you should ask yourself about an older suitor is this: How long before his hairline recedes to the back of his head? Kidding. It is this: Why has he chosen to date me instead of someone his own age? Your natural response might be the one I gave myself, “BECAUSE WE ARE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN AND I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AND I AM VERY MATURE!!!!” To be fair, this answer is not completely untrue but is probably not the main reason why a grown man might be sniffing around your doorstep.
Far more likely is the fact that a lot of older people seek out much younger booty because they themselves are insecure and feel intimidated by women their own age, who aren’t easily impressed by confetti and dry ice. Some may even be trying to nurse a midlife crisis by way of a naïve twenty-something. (I don’t know – it’s their life!)
Any adult knows that seducing a much younger person – even a smart, willing, self-aware younger person – carries with it a power imbalance that is ripe for exploitation and manipulation. You might feel like you and your older person are emotional equals, but when age and gender differences come into play, they can be leveraged to persuade you into stuff, no matter how self-possessed you are. Unconsciously, you might end up making choices that aren’t in your best interest just to re-establish the pretense that you’re totally mature and that y'alls two are peers.
This is all starting to come across as “A DIRTY OLD MAN STOLE MY YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE,” but that could not be further from the truth. I made my own decisions and actually enjoyed majority of the time I spent dating older dudes. At this point, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve been feeling a temporary distrust in humanity of late and a vague but omnipresent suspicion that everyone is out to hurt me, which I’m attributing to the hormone pills I’m currently taking on my gynae’s orders.
There are plenty of loving, mutually respectful relationships between people born decades apart. And not every one of these affairs is going to end up a daytime soapie about forbidden love, social taboo, and sexual corruption; sometimes it really is just about two people with many years between them who really like and respect each other. It’s totally workable, as long as you remember: Lolita is not a love story. OK? All right, now run along. Don't be afraid to try everything once. Or twice. Or however many times till you figure out what works and what does not work for you. As always, be safe and enjoy the high-end kitchenware, ya lil minxes.
