The Pill Plan

My mum has always had a sort of hippie, au naturale approach to health and medicine so I never really had a particular doctor or even clicnic that I would visit regularly growing up. She’d stress the importance of listening to your own body and understanding what it was trying to say by way of green mucus, ulcers, and loose stool. She’d prescribe a warm cup of honey and lemon for a sore throat, a plate of chicken liver after a visit from Aunt Flo, a pot of ginger tea for a tummy upset, and always sleep, sleep, sleep, no matter your ailment.

So, being someone who doesn’t take Panadol or even vitamin capsules, contraceptive pills just wasn’t something I’d ever considered. Hell, there was even once I tried to twerk and then downward dog my way out of taking the morning-after pill until my cousin screamed at me, “are you fucking insane – how does dancing and yoga help in any way? ”

I’d been bleeding for longer than what was healthy, so my gynae prescribed me some contraceptive pills in a bid to curb my bleeding and chill my hormones out. Even though she definitely used more professional medical terms when explaining this to me, I still had some qualms about her decision. And also a lot of faith that my uterus would calm down and cooperate soon.

My options were to either bleed to death or risk nausea, weight gain, and some wicked hot pulsing acne on my chin. So I bled for another week and then had to be given a talking-to by my mum (oh, the irony!) before I eventually took my first pill.

Today I am happy to report that I’m 5 pills away from the end of my first course of Meliane. Apart from the migraines, which feel very much like someone driving an electric drill right through my skull, and my erratic mood swinging like a pendulum defying all laws of Physics, the last couple of weeks have gone by much better than I had anticipated.

I never really took the responsibility of birth control into my own hands because I’m too afraid to stick an IUD up there, the sympto-thermal method seems hella confusing, and as mentioned my impression of the pill up until recently had been ugh. It’s such a silly decision to let the onus fall on the dude, while I just lingered in this kind of in-between place that put me – a perfectly educated kale-eating urban dweller – in a very vulnerable position. As it turns out, pulling out happens to be not that much riskier than using a condom in terms of pregnancy. And is often the preferred method of many other perfectly educated kale-eating urban dwellers. But as it also turns out, guys can be total asshats.

So, really, have your own game plan, girls.

There are plenty of options out there and not every one of them will be equally well-suited to you and your body, so put in the time and effort to figure out what is best. Whichever you choose, it is going to come with some side effects, but the point is to choose something. Have a plan that is NOT Plan B. Prevention is better than cure! Or rather, prevention is better than abortion! Please take my word for it.

Birth control is essential to the liberation and empowerment of women because it allows sex to be almost entirely isolated from child-bearing and reproduction. But only almost. And any woman who is making sex with a man needs to be aware that she is implicitly embracing this risk. It’s really not rocket science and I’m not sure why I never thought of it this way before – probably because it lowers my libido – but even if you take the necessary precautions, there will always be a tiny, tiny, chance that partaking in this act now may mean making a choice between terminating and not terminating a pregnancy further down the road.

Scary, isn’t it?

Casual Sex Education

This is one class they didn’t but should’ve taught in school. What’s the point of F=ma when what we're dealing with are Ps and Vs?

I was brought up to believe that sex is sacred. And I still stand by this belief. But, waiting till marriage? Okay… That’s an interesting perspective, a bit extreme even for me. And why has the casual sexual relationship gotten such a bad rep lately? Sleeping with someone without wanting to be in a serious committed relationship with him or her isn’t necessarily an atrocious act. (If you’re going to pull a quote from the Bible, can you just not?) What is heinous though, is Darren Wilson not being indicted for shooting an unarmed Michael Brown. Chew on that instead.

This is just an assumption, but I’m confident that there’s quite a bit of truth in this: lots of twentysomethings either aren’t ready to be in real relationships or else simply choose not to be, but still want to get laid – yes, this one is also you, my sweet Maz. Everyone is at a unique place in his or her life, we’re all spinning on our own axis at our own speed, each person has distinct and differing end goals. I don’t take it personally.

Is it so unthinkable that a girl may find a guy cool, be sexually attracted to him, treat him with respect, and – wait for it – not want to lock it down with monogamy? This girl does not exist! If you know a girl who fulfills all aforementioned criterions, please shoot her in the face immediately. She is spoiling the market for the rest of us. *Ahem* Whore. Oh my god, you guys! I’m just kidding, okay????

Now let’s be realistic and think about it with the roles reversed cuz it’s easier. Is it so impossible? Is it so wrong to have a worthwhile sexual relationship with someone without any intentions of taking it further? I’m asking these questions as if I have the answers, but I honestly don’t. I mean, I just learned how to do sex last week by watching Game of Thrones. So I’m sorry if I was a little oafish under the sheets. And I’m also sorry for killing your whole family.

All I know is that you get to release some – or in certain cases, a lot of – repressed sexual energy. You get to have a carefree, intimate interaction with someone whose company you enjoy. You get to discover new things about yourself and your partner. You get to learn new moves you’d never imagine possible. Who is getting the short end of the stick here, really? Only people who want to cuddle, because it’s apparently not the norm in these situations as I’ve learnt the hard and embarrassing way. (There’s no cuddling in Game of Thrones, just FYI.)

It just seems to me that when nobody is fucking you, you’re fucking yourself (over). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not administering casual sex as the quick fix to life’s woes. But. We’re all adults; we shouldn’t need to feel ashamed about having sex with someone whom we don’t see a future with. Telling a girl you love her just to get into her pants, only to ignore her once you have, is obviously a dick move. You don't need me to tell you that. So is giving her a handshake after sex. It may get your point across loud and clear that ya’ll are just friends, but there are better ways to go about this. Such as, I don’t know, being sincere and talking about it before screwing each other. (As if that’s ever happened in history.) A significant amount of discretion is essential, but as long as nobody is being a moron about it, laying the cards out on the table right from the get-go may actually work to everyone’s advantage.

That being said, even though I do not see any disturbing flaws with the no-strings-attached arrangement, I definitely was not built to handle it. I need the strings – bungee cords, if I’m being direct and specific. My default emotional setting is ‘ALL IN’. There is no possibility of turning it down a notch, or off for that matter. Sex with another person will always mean something – whether “it’s complicated” or you’re “in an open relationship” or “widowed”. Someone is inside you/you are inside someone. Hello??! How is that not a big deal?