The Older Folks

Azelia Banks dropped a lot of wild truth in her interview with Playboy magazine last year, which I felt deeply resonated with me. “I love older men. The things in an older man’s house are better – his furniture, even his knives and his pots. And they smell better. Young guys, they may skip a shower and shit like that.” Amen to that. Aside from their high-end kitchenware (be still my heart) and mastery of daily showers (and maybe a deep-seated desire to "live in sin" and piss my parents off), it’s hard to explain my fascination with older men.

I have nothing against guys my age, but my interactions with them over the years have led me to conclude that a lot of them, maturity-wise, are about 11 years old. Most of them still play with action figures when nobody’s looking and spend their time jacking off to images of Heidi Montag. Needless to say, falling in love with the average 23-year-old male is like falling in love with a really sophisticated mandrill – except less exhilarating. And more demeaning. And less fun. And more offensive. And less enlightening. And more repugnant. You get the idea.

Nobody really needs to be told about the allure and fun going out with a significantly older person entails, so I’m just going to jump right into the not-so-fun-stuff a.k.a. the realities that we sometimes blatantly ignore cuz GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN(DS). Amirite?

When I first started involving myself with older men, I was all “age ain’t nothin’ but a number.” But that’s actually not the case, and the fact that I believe this now but rolled my eyes back then proves my point exactly. Hindsight is 20/20.

Whenever I used to plot sticking my tongue into an older person’s mouth, I was inevitably tempted to rationalize the stretch of time between our births by citing the “magic seven” rule, where it’s stated that subtracting seven from my age and then doubling it would give me the socially-acceptable maximum age of anyone I wanted to date. So for the 23-year-old that I was, the upper age limit was 32 (i.e., [23-7] x 2). The other side of the rule defines the minimum age boundary: divide your age by two and then add seven.

But every so often, even after doing the math, I found myself hanging out with a 39-year-old on some weekends because, like pollution, true love knows no boundaries. Also, there’s something incredibly satisfying about responding to your feelings, flipping the bird at societal norms, and letting your inner freak flag fly. In such instances I tried to justify the situation thusly: “Well, my aunt and uncle (or whoever) are sixteen years apart and they’re doing swell, so LET’S GET THIS THANG GOIN’.”

Everyone knows a happy grown-up couple with a significant number of years between them, and even if you don’t, you can always Google George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin and let them be your inspiration. But here’s the catch: They are all adults, in which case, how old they are in relation to their partner matters much less. Time seems to behave in a more bizarre way when we’re younger because everything changes so quickly, and for a young person who hasn’t yet figured out his or her place in this world, every year is a pivotal one.

Anyway, here are some musings I’ve had after charging ahead heedlessly into some May-December romances, that I wish I’d bothered to think through a little more because older men can be complicado.

1.
Love and sex are still the absolute jam whatever your age is, but what I’ve found is that the hot mystery of figuring out how to do them is mostly gone for the older person who has been there and done that a million times over.

It’s nice to be around people who seem to have it all figured out, who are assured of themselves and their interests – a quality that usually increases the longer we hang out on planet Earth – because it’s like finding a cheat sheet to life. But what’s just as nice and actually much more fun is sharing the novelty of things – in bed and in life – with someone who is also just learning about them.

It’s cool to be turning to the person you’re boning for wisdom. But you can also learn stuff from your parents, grandparents, siblings, bosses, the internet, your dog, the bible, your best friend’s mum, and anyone and anywhere else, really.

2.
Having a significantly older partner can severely limit the activities you’re able to enjoy together. Chances are you won’t be able to hang out with each other’s friends without everyone feeling a little awkward, or kiss in public without attracting a handful of side-eyes and potentially the attention of authorities. Also, his head will probably roll if you tried to bring him home to meet your family and I’m quite sure he won’t be appreciative of tequila shots on a Wednesday night.

Basically, the only thing I did regularly with my significantly older partner was watch films in his apartment. And that one weekend we flew to a neighbouring city on impulse. Sounds really spontaneous and romantic, right? UH, NO. Not to be a wet blanket, but flying solo with an older guy who is unbeknown to most of your family and friends is how a lot of murder stories begin. Please be smarter than I was about this very basic tenet of common sense, because everyone loves you just the way you are: alive.

3.
The biggest question you should ask yourself about an older suitor is this: How long before his hairline recedes to the back of his head? Kidding. It is this: Why has he chosen to date me instead of someone his own age? Your natural response might be the one I gave myself, “BECAUSE WE ARE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN AND I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE AND I AM VERY MATURE!!!!” To be fair, this answer is not completely untrue but is probably not the main reason why a grown man might be sniffing around your doorstep.

Far more likely is the fact that a lot of older people seek out much younger booty because they themselves are insecure and feel intimidated by women their own age, who aren’t easily impressed by confetti and dry ice. Some may even be trying to nurse a midlife crisis by way of a naïve twenty-something. (I don’t know – it’s their life!)

Any adult knows that seducing a much younger person – even a smart, willing, self-aware younger person – carries with it a power imbalance that is ripe for exploitation and manipulation. You might feel like you and your older person are emotional equals, but when age and gender differences come into play, they can be leveraged to persuade you into stuff, no matter how self-possessed you are. Unconsciously, you might end up making choices that aren’t in your best interest just to re-establish the pretense that you’re totally mature and that y'alls two are peers.

This is all starting to come across as “A DIRTY OLD MAN STOLE MY YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE,” but that could not be further from the truth. I made my own decisions and actually enjoyed majority of the time I spent dating older dudes. At this point, I think it’s worth mentioning that I’ve been feeling a temporary distrust in humanity of late and a vague but omnipresent suspicion that everyone is out to hurt me, which I’m attributing to the hormone pills I’m currently taking on my gynae’s orders.

There are plenty of loving, mutually respectful relationships between people born decades apart. And not every one of these affairs is going to end up a daytime soapie about forbidden love, social taboo, and sexual corruption; sometimes it really is just about two people with many years between them who really like and respect each other. It’s totally workable, as long as you remember: Lolita is not a love story. OK? All right, now run along. Don't be afraid to try everything once. Or twice. Or however many times till you figure out what works and what does not work for you. As always, be safe and enjoy the high-end kitchenware, ya lil minxes.

The Three Weirdos

Invaluable lessons you cannot soak up from a textbook. 

I’ve always found that I learn the best from and through people. Observing my older siblings from a very young age taught me how to get away with murder under my parents’ rule. Growing up in the dog-eat-dog world of an all-girls convent school taught me that bitchez be crazy unless they’re your bitchez, then they cool. A history of slightly lame boyfriends taught me that I’m someone who is very comfortable with chaos and abuse and codependency, often subconscioulsy seeking it out, constantly trying to fix and help people so I can feel loved and validated and safe. Gallivanting around Europe on my own taught me that having respect for others, charm and wits can get you as far if not further than paper qualifications.

As one would’ve expected, my restlessness began to set in as it became apparent that I’d exhausted my pool of human beings to exploit. Was I going to let my inability to make new friends at a consistent rate throughout my life, which has consequently led to my current predicament of fresh meat scarcity, hinder my learning? No way.

To overcome this dry spell, I spent the last four months dating a series of weirdos. Did I do this intentionally? No. Maybe. Just to freak my family out. I don’t know. Did I have fun? Yes. Weirdos are always fun. Always.

There were nights I’d eat dumplings along the river with a dashing Austrian, watch Comedy Central while drinking Irn-Bru on a boring Scottish man’s couch, lose my knickers in an Italian architect’s minimalistic apartment, and go dancing in a dingy disco with an openly married bloke.

Now, I know most people value their time and dignity much more than I do, and would prefer to go by the book (or blog) instead of, I dunno, diving head first into a tank of sewage water for the thrill of it and then working out the specifics – like how to actually swim – later on. So I’ve narrowed the ‘List of Men I Strongly Recommend You To Date Before Getting Too Serious with The One’ down to just three:

1. The man-child

He’s recently turned 30 and just got a promotion at work because he’s so good at what he does. He’s loud and arrogant, but you like it. (You weirdo.) He trades foreign exchange – whatever that means. But what it means for you is that on some days he will treat you like the goddamn princess that you are, and on other days he will completely ignore you because he’s been burned by the market, which has jeopardized his three million dollar bonus (USD, mind you), which has bruised his ego.

This will confuse you. You will drive yourself up the wall hypothesizing like a mad scientist trying to make sense of his behaviour. Pro tip: it has nothing to do with what you did or did not say/do.

You put up with this anyway, because you do not know better. You're addicted to his inattention as much as his attention.

He will live in a swanky shophouse (read: frat house) in a hip district with cool cafes. His best mate will live in the bedroom across his, his other best mate will live down the hall from them, and his other other best mate will live in the attic. They will have a pool table instead of a dining table, a bar with countless bottles of alcohol arranged and worshipped like an altar, and a huge hollow shell of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hanging tastefully on a wall because, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. They will have a live-in maid to cook their dinners, iron their shirts, and mop the vomit up after their raging parties.

It will be super fun. But eventually super fun will not be enough for you, and you will drop it like it’s hot.

2. The almost sugar daddy

This man is a senior managing director of an investment bank who draws a monthly salary of what you’d make in two years (bonus included). Extra points if your luck is as good as mine, and he happens to work in the same bank as the man-child trader, making him the man-child trader’s indirect boss.

Even though the bank has its traders and management working in separate offices, streamlining your operations by dating them simultaneously poses several risks, so thread lightly. This will be good practice for honing your organizational skills. You will also experience a big boost in your self-esteem if you manage to successfully pull off the act of juggling two men, significantly older than you. Who is the manipulative one now, beyotch?

Oh, and he will also have an ex-wife and two young kids. Plot twist! #instantmom #yolo. But to your relief, they will reside in their country of origin (GMT +1 in the summer). You will have small suspicions that perhaps he isn’t even divorced. But you’re 23 and your moral compass isn’t working and you generally #dgaf.

He will live right next to his office because he works an average of 18 hours a day. He will have two housemates, which at first throws you off. Why would a 37-year-old want to share his living space with other people? Because central business district, therefore rent. Practicality aside, it also shows that he is capable of living with other people – think tolerance, diplomacy, flexibility – which we know is no easy feat.

He won’t say much. His texting will be brief, which you will write off. Work. Busy. Old. Until you realize that your enthusiasm and his curtness are incompatible.

He will neither buy you expensive gifts nor take you to fancy restaurants because he has his insecurities too. As a perfectionist, he’s determined to please you in bed. But because you’re not totally comfortable around him, you will not O. One day he will tell you he has a surprise for you. “Could it be a Prada?” you ask yourself. It will be a pink vibrator, which will wake your inner prude that you never even knew existed. The end will go something like “haha, is this a sick joke? Wtf? Bye?????”

Fade to black.

3. The unbalanced extremist

This is a private banker a decade older than you are. You struggle to differentiate between a trader and private banker, but hopefully, are wise enough now to check that he works for a different bank from the trader and managing director. You are amazing and never one to back down from a challenge, but don’t overestimate yourself. Deconflicting two is hard enough.

He has a serious and intense character. He’s invested in your (his Russian mobster clients) wealth as much as he is in his health. He will be training for an adventure race, and in preparation for the race subject himself to an insanely ridiculous diet that excludes cucumbers and carrots as they contain too much carbohydrates. Waves of nostalgia will wash over you as you reflect fondly on the good ol’ days you ate nothing but lettuce in order to achieve a thigh gap. #thinspiration

He will visit the gym during his lunch hour. On Saturday mornings he will run 11km and then kayak for 3 hours. On Sunday mornings, play some sort of sport – whatever, you don’t care. Your admiration for his dedication wanes after a month because you realize that by the time he is ready for you, he is malnourished and physically drained, his mood completely erratic.

You don’t understand any of this. His commitment to his fitness far outweighs his commitment to you. Unfortunately, his absurdly chiselled bod and ability to call restaurants and make dinner reservations in advance still has you swooning over him. After all, he treats you like a lady on the days he’s had a balanced meal anyway.

He will live alone because he’s set in a routine, which he has refined and mastered. Living alone has made him reluctant to changes and closed off to new experiences that come with being around the batshit crazy 23-year-old that you are. In the moment, you will feel hurt by his resistance and rejection. Compromise comes so unnaturally to him.

His home will be immaculately clean and organized, which will impress you, coming from a background where your desk is perpetually strewn with dirty laundry. He will light candles and Norah Jones will coo from his surround sound speakers, but you will not feel at ease in his home. He will cook you dinner, a sweet gesture no doubt. But when the dust settles, you can’t help but wonder if it was a lobster marinated with love or precision, when he’s all about calories and control.

To maximise your experience, it would be advisable to select a candidate of French nationality. I don’t usually subscribe to stereotypes, but there are always a few that are true enough to merit their labels. Because he is older than you, he will assume that he is always right. Because he is older than you and he is French, he will assume that he is always right and you are always wrong. This will give you plenty of opportunities to stand your ground and defend your opinions – a vital life skill.

You will enjoy the brain tickling in the beginning. At last, someone who challenges you! Alas, you find yourself losing your voice and equal footing in the rendezvous. You may even begin to feel small and insignificant, because that’s what his bizarre personality does. Worse still, his stubbornness and narrow-mindedness will likely hinder your ability to enjoy sex with him.

Bid au revoir to this handsome and established French man before he sucks all your precious youthful and radiant energy out of you. Rest assured knowing that if you’ve managed to argue your case to the point where he's begun speaking in French, you've won. You will likely thrive among other well-adjusted adults and your voice will be heard in discussions to come.

Note: This exercise should take you no longer than four months, and is possible to complete in two months if you put your heart into it, work well under pressure, and are competent in multitasking. However, if you start feeling nauseous or find that it’s taking you longer than four months, exit stage left immediately. Someone could have put a baby inside of you, so a visit to your family doctor would be awkward but imperative.

Good luck and have fun!