The sequel: How to lose a guy in less than 10 days (2014)
Real talk: there are two things a woman can say that will ingrain
ball-shrinking horror in every unwed man’s heart. The first is “I’m pregnant.”
The second is “Where do you see this relationship going?”
How long do we have to date someone before we are allowed to
drop these bombs on them? I think it’s clear-cut for pregnancy. Anytime between
seeing the double pink lines on your pee stick and the due/abortion date seems pretty
appropriate. Anytime outside of that window, you’d just be a sick liar.
But when it comes to dating, even the experts (don’t ask
who, I don’t believe in using real names here) have varying opinions, citing
time frames that start anywhere from after the first time you sleep together to
after you have gone on something like eight dates to six months into the ‘relationship’.
One can only presume that the true answer is probably: after you have binged on
fudge for nine consecutive nights and can no longer bear not knowing where you
stand in the liaison anymore.
And there we were, fretting about just finding a potential
suitor. Well, congratulations on your match and welcome to dating purgatory –
make yourself at home! This is where the real fun actually begins because your prospect isn’t super keen, yet isn’t entirely disinterested either. Often, there’s
still visible enthusiasm, but not nearly sufficient to pass off as conclusive
evidence for anything.
Most people claim to know within the first three seconds if
they would fuck someone or not, according to a bunch of psychologists at UPenn.
(Who are these people?? Did the study only sample 13 year old males?) But deciding whether
to be in a relationship with someone, to firmly invest in making a purchase
instead of just window-shopping, now that can take, umm… Forever.
I’ve a knack for looking for love in all the wrong and very
hopeless places – mainly dingy bars and Tinder – I do it for the story, really.
Even though Rihanna released a super catchy single about it back in 2011, which
topped the Billboard Hot 100 for ten weeks, if you pay attention to the lyrics,
all she has to sing about this predicament is some “yellow diamonds
in the light” and then repeats the phrase “we found love in a hopeless place” only
about 350 times. And if you actually play the song backwards, you’d hear her
singing, “don’t do it, don’t do it.”
I find the commercial success of this song a bit misleading.
Finding love in a hopeless place is far from ideal, gurrl. What we’re more likely to
find are one-night-stands and friends with benefits. And – speaking from
experience – what we’re even more likely to do is expect unrealistic things
from perfect strangers. Most of these people aren’t looking for relationships.
Plot twist: some of them may already be involved in one. Use these people as
bodies, and then leave it at that because that is all it is.
“What do you want from this?” I blurted (over text) without
warning one day, emboldened by my excruciating need to manage my expectations
about bungee chord possibilities in the distant future. At this point, I’d like
to highlight that there is indeed a difference between what I asked and the navigational
enquiry pertaining to relationships that we'd discussed.
“Honest answer: I don’t want anything out of
this. I don’t even think about it. We’ve seen each other like, 3 times. I just
like seeing you,” was the response I got after some nudging. Earth to Sean,
we’ve seen each other like, 4 times. Not that I was counting. Expert tip:
responding to rejection with violence is never the answer and my research has
shown that firing gunshots by way of texting “pew pew pew” is not particularly
helpful in such situations.
